The concept of “finding your true self” is one of the most highly regarded, yet illusory, ideas in personal development.
The authentic self, as we know it, is one of purity, strength, confidence and charisma, shining through an aura of fearlessness. It is the most genuine nature we have.
Yet getting to this level of authenticity can seem impossible. Mainly because we think we know what authenticity is.
We tell ourselves things like:
“I am an introvert, therefore I can’t socialize with people.”
“Working out and eating healthy is just not comfortable for me.”
“I find flirting with girls/guys so unnatural.”
“I have high anxiety. That’s just who I am.”
And the list goes on and on.
The irony is that there is no authenticity in being shy, unhealthy, anxious, or repressing your sexuality. Moreover, saying “this isn’t me” cut’s you off from any possibility that it could be you.
We think our past gives us a sense of who we are, so naturally we try and exploit it. But when we conform to our old limiting beliefs, we remain stagnant. This is not self-awareness – it’s weakness.
When we are at our most authentic self, we are growing and evolving into a more fulfilled version. This is why “finding yourself” is such a dreadful strategy: there is no self to find.
There Is No Real “You”
The authentic self is a dangerous topic.
During our lifetime’s worth of social conditioning, it feels comforting to form an identity to latch on to. We attach ourselves to people, ideas, and beliefs that hold truest to our perceived being.
The political arena and social justice realm come to mind. The reason we are so passionate and defensive about these ideologies is because if we lost them, we would lose ourselves.
This extends to limiting beliefs as well. We hold on to our weaknesses because they are part of an identity. But in those moments of anxiety, depression, and dying confidence, something inside is desperately shouting, “You are living someone else’s life.”
This is really important: the self you hold in your mind is not you. It is an idea that has been reinforced through a lifetime of social conditioning. You do not exist – only the idea of you does.
Despite its brute sense, this is actually a very positive notion. If we exist only in relation to our idealizations, then we can literally create who we want to be.
Therefore the solution is simple. Instead of trying to find yourself, you must create it.
Create The “You”
There is a saying that goes, “Before you find yourself, you have to lose it.” Metaphorically, this is true. In order to live authentically, you must shed all of your preconceived notions to make room for the ones you create.
When you are living authentically, you are living in openness. You do not close yourself off from any possible opportunities, and you enjoy exploring new people and ideas.
You are fearless, confident, strong-willed, and kind. You actively search for ways to grow and improve.
But most importantly, you do not try to find yourself as you know you cannot be found. There is no you at all – only the idea you create. You are the painting, not the canvas.
Don’t get me wrong; living authentically comes with some heavy costs. You’re going to piss some people off, you might lose some friends, and you may have to break up with your partner. But what’s more important: letting your soul rot in comfort, or growing with pain?
You owe it to your being to create the best version of yourself. Life is painful either way, so you may as well live it authentically.